unworthy.

i have realized that during the past couple of days i have been trying to make myself worthy.

through punishing myself, distancing myself, turning my thoughts only into blame upon myself. it is a strange paradox, as if feeling bad for my sin will somehow make forgiving me more worth while to God.


but i am unworthy. i will always be unworthy. there is nothing i can ever do to be more worthy, or less worthy.

i need to believe that i cannot ruin my chances. i cannot do anything bad enough to make God stop forgiving me.

i am reminded of a video that struck right to the heart, the only words I remember are "you can never do anything that will make me stop loving you."

this is so hard for me to believe at times. especially when i know the sin, i recognize it. and yet i still act against God's will.

every time i slip in this way i go through a period in which i cannot believe that God forgives me. i cannot feel His love. almost as if i cannot accept His love and forgiveness.

but He reminds me over and over. through people, music, words, memories.

calling for me to trust Him. just trust Him.


i need to trust that God forgives, He loves, He pours out grace and mercy in overwhelming amounts.

something i can hardly imagine, i can barely grasp the concept.

but i know Him.

i know where He is leading me.

i know what He has told me.

i know of His promises.

and i simply need to trust Him now.



from Isaiah 12:1-3

"O LORD, I will praise You;

though You were angry with me, 

Your anger has turned away, 

and You comfort me. 

Behold, God is my salvation,

I will trust and not be afraid;

'For YAH, the LORD is my strength and song; 

He also has become my salvation.' "

Therefore with joy you will draw water

from the wells of salvation.

Over a year ago this verse was first shown to me. And it still holds the same confirmation as it did before. (an example of one of the ways in which God calls me back to Him)