back to reality.

A few conversations and a book have finalized my commitment. To what? An awareness. It is not a new discovery. It has been lingering, ready to surface and make way for action quite some time now. A few months? Maybe a few years? Or perhaps my entire life has been preparing me for this understanding; I want to be real.

Real with people. I'm guessing that for a large part of my life, I have not been real. Don't get me wrong, there are periods of reality, times when I act naturally and freely and am completely myself. How often this does occur, I'm not sure. Half the day? Two thirds? I really couldn't say.

But sometimes things motivate me to be less real. One such motivation is that I want to be a people inspirer. I want to say things and do things that give people moments of profound depth and meaning. I want to write things that give grand epiphanies. I want to be life-changing to other people!

This has recently pertained to my blogs. My motivation for writing has not been pure. It has been to change people.

In reality, I can't change anyone. I can't even change myself. But I can be real with everyone.

In this misconstrued view of what my life, thoughts, writing should look like I have been prideful, preachy, "Christianeese", and I have put words into God's mouth. I haven't said all things from my heart, but instead I have picked words that I thought I should say, words that would convince or impress things on people's hearts. That's not the real me.

The real me is approachable, teachable, a good listener. When authentic I speak from my heart and soul at all times. My most real times come from honesty.

This is honest. I feel almost as if this is some sort of confession. I'm wondering what people will think of this, and I'm a little bit scared. But these words are truthful. I want to continue to be this real. In every blog, every action, every word. I want to connect with people genuinely.

This is not to say that I will take God out of what I say and do. God is the biggest part of my life. I do want to stop trying to "make" people see Him.

I simply want to share my life with others, and hope that they will be comfortable sharing with me, as well.